First, let me get a couple of things out of the way. Shout out to every man who spends his day
being responsible and doing guy shit. This
runs the gamut from opening doors to bringing groceries to his sick mama, to
playing with his kids whether him and Old Girl are together or not. Shout out to the men who have been kind and
supportive and caring in my life. Shout
out to every strong woman I know whether you started that way or not. With all of that out of the way, let’s get
down to business.
As a woman, I would like to believe that I know the value of having and
being a good partner. Since I am
currently single an unmarried, you can make whatever inferences you like about
the accuracy of my “knowing”. That’s not
the important point. Growing up,
parenting was sort of a family effort.
My dad was absent and my stepdad filled the boots for a long time. When my mom became a single parent, I vowed
that I would not have children unless I got married. In my young mind this made perfect
sense. The reality of life is very
different.
I did get married. I have two
beautiful children as a result. They
bring me joy, happiness, love, heartache, migraines, and confoundedness—sometimes
simultaneously. I am also divorced from
their dad. Being a single mom was a struggle that I was unprepared for. As most single moms can tell you, you learn
to suck it up and adjust quickly. In
some ways the adjustment is for the kids but in general it’s what is best for
sanity’s sake.
I believe that children need two parents to have the best chance at
having a whole and healthy concept of family and what being a parent really
entails. The reality is that in this day
and age of blended families and remarriage “parenting” can vary from
moment-to-moment, day-to-day. I have
learned a lot along the road to seeing my children become adults. All that aside, I think that happy parents
raise well-adjusted kids. Sometimes
there is just no staying in a relationship at the time it is coming to an
end. Sometimes there is no good path
forward.
Let me pause here to say that there are plenty of men who have ended the
relationship with their child’s other parent but maintain a constructive
dialogue with that person and a good relationship with their child or
children. There are also women who use
their children as bargaining chips and accessories to make a man’s life an
utter hell. If this is you, STOP IT
RIGHT NOW!!!!
Make no mistake though; I am honey badger serious about my kids. There were several realizations that I had to
come to quickly and others that single moms come to over time. The most profound one is the title of this
post. Real talk. Problem is, I don’t want to be a better man than any
man I know. There is a part of many
single moms that is pissed off that they had to learn anything about “manning
up”. I never expected to not be a
provider and a nurturer but I never expected to be the SOLE provider and
nurturer. That was a curve ball. I spent some time being upset and angry about
this but these kids still needed to eat, live and bum lunch money and carfare.
I remember the nights I spent at my daughter’s bedside when she was
hospitalized and the nurse saying that I should go home and get some sleep and
make her dad come and stay. Yeah right. That was when it was very clear that I am
REALLY in this without him. I think in some ways it made me closer to my
sisters because we all counted on each other.
I remember the parade of family members and friends that came by as much
to check on me as to see her. I remember
the Spanish, Jamaican, Chinese, Thai and home cooked food they bought with
them. I ate better that week than if I
would have cooked at home every night. I remember leaving work frantically when my son had an asthma attack in school and the nurse wanted no parts of it.
Being a single mom has given me the
courage to take strides. When you are a
single mom you develop a sense of fortitude—sort of like a “keep your head down
and keep moving type of attitude. It has also taught me the importance of building a team--a team that's playing for the win.
As much as we can say about men who don't do what they are supposed to, we would be remiss if we didn't turn the mirror on ourselves. Hindsight is 20/20. Use it to learn the lesson and find the insight. Apply the lesson to the future and think about how to improve your partnering skills. Trust me when I tell you, your children learn very early that they have a "go to" parent and a "go home" parent. Just make sure you come out on the right side. I think so and what.
So, I spend a lot of time moving around. I am what the census classifies as a super commuter. I travel one hundred miles or more round trip to get to work. With that said, I see a lot. I observe. I sleep. On occasion, I even get to write. 
