"...You Stressin' Me, Son..."

    So, I spend a lot of time moving around.  I am what the census classifies as a super commuter.  I travel one hundred miles or more round trip to get to work.  With that said, I see a lot.  I observe.  I sleep.  On occasion, I even get to write.  

    I have seen so much stuff from fashion fuckery to maladjusted relationship maintenance and dudes going all out for their kids.  The reality is that we have a lot of stuff going on.  If  the surroundings are any indication, we are one inch away from being Michael Douglas in Falling Down.   I freely admit that I am sometimes stressed out.  I freely admit that sometimes I am the cause of my stress.  How we process or fail to process a particular stressor is really on us.  That's the only portion you can control.  It would be beautiful if people just stayed in their lane, didn't say anything crazy and didn't do anything stupid--but maybe not because you would probably be dead if these were your conditions. 

      The world is stressful. Relationships--even good ones can be stressful.  We all need to take a moment to pause and think about our role in it...whatever the "it" is.  When you peel all the layers away there are still basic truths that will always hold.  People will always think you could have done something differently.  The people that love you the most will be your harshest critics and red velvet cheesecake can make almost anything better. The key is to find something you value or enjoy and do the hell out of it and make sure that no one can make it something you don't enjoy.  Remember to breathe and before you stress determine whether or not it's worth the effort and whether or not your stressing will change anything.

When You're A Better Man Than He Is...

    First, let me get a couple of things out of the way.  Shout out to every man who spends his day being responsible and doing guy shit.  This runs the gamut from opening doors to bringing groceries to his sick mama, to playing with his kids whether him and Old Girl are together or not.  Shout out to the men who have been kind and supportive and caring in my life.  Shout out to every strong woman I know whether you started that way or not.  With all of that out of the way, let’s get down to business.

    As a woman, I would like to believe that I know the value of having and being a good partner.  Since I am currently single an unmarried, you can make whatever inferences you like about the accuracy of my “knowing”.  That’s not the important point.  Growing up, parenting was sort of a family effort.  My dad was absent and my stepdad filled the boots for a long time.  When my mom became a single parent, I vowed that I would not have children unless I got married.  In my young mind this made perfect sense.  The reality of life is very different.

    I did get married.  I have two beautiful children as a result.  They bring me joy, happiness, love, heartache, migraines, and confoundedness—sometimes simultaneously.  I am also divorced from their dad. Being a single mom was a struggle that I was unprepared for.  As most single moms can tell you, you learn to suck it up and adjust quickly.  In some ways the adjustment is for the kids but in general it’s what is best for sanity’s sake.

   I believe that children need two parents to have the best chance at having a whole and healthy concept of family and what being a parent really entails.  The reality is that in this day and age of blended families and remarriage “parenting” can vary from moment-to-moment, day-to-day.  I have learned a lot along the road to seeing my children become adults.  All that aside, I think that happy parents raise well-adjusted kids.   Sometimes there is just no staying in a relationship at the time it is coming to an end.  Sometimes there is no good path forward.

    Let me pause here to say that there are plenty of men who have ended the relationship with their child’s other parent but maintain a constructive dialogue with that person and a good relationship with their child or children.  There are also women who use their children as bargaining chips and accessories to make a man’s life an utter hell.  If this is you, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!!

   Make no mistake though; I am honey badger serious about my kids.  There were several realizations that I had to come to quickly and others that single moms come to over time.   The most profound one is the title of this post.  Real talk.  Problem  is, I don’t want to be a better man than any man I know.  There is a part of many single moms that is pissed off that they had to learn anything about “manning up”.  I never expected to not be a provider and a nurturer but I never expected to be the SOLE provider and nurturer.  That was a curve ball.  I spent some time being upset and angry about this but these kids still needed to eat, live and bum lunch money and carfare.

    I remember the nights I spent at my daughter’s bedside when she was hospitalized and the nurse saying that I should go home and get some sleep and make her dad come and stay.  Yeah right.  That was when it was very clear that I am REALLY in this without him.   I think in some ways it made me closer to my sisters because we all counted on each other.  I remember the parade of family members and friends that came by as much to check on me as to see her.  I remember the Spanish, Jamaican, Chinese, Thai and home cooked food they bought with them.  I ate better that week than if I would have cooked at home every night.  I remember leaving work frantically when my son had an asthma attack in school and the nurse wanted no parts of it.

    Being a single mom has given me the courage to take strides.  When you are a single mom you develop a sense of fortitude—sort of like a “keep your head down and keep moving type of attitude.  It has also taught me the importance of  building a team--a team that's playing for the win.  

    As much as we can say about men who don't do what they are supposed to, we would be remiss if we didn't turn the mirror on ourselves.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Use it to learn the lesson and find the insight.  Apply the lesson to the future and think about how to improve your partnering skills.  Trust me when I tell you, your children learn very early that they have a "go to" parent and a "go home" parent.  Just make sure you come out on the right side.  I think so and what. 

Happy First Birthday...

    So, Happy 1^st birthday to me.  One year ago today I Big Chopped.  As I have spent my first year as a natural chick it has been interesting and oddly freeing.  Below is the short list of reasons why.  This list in no specific order:

        My biggest support has come from other women as has my biggest criticism.  This is not especially surprising but it is nonetheless interesting.  I have blogged many times here about the difficulties that women seem to have forming solid constructive relationships with other women.  Women who are already natural have been uber supportive.  For the other part of my crew who are still perming I heard things like “‘that’s cool” and “ ‘you’re so brave’ “.  But now they love my hair.  More importantly, I love it too.
  There are white men who think natural hair is exotic.  I am not sure what to say about this so this is a rare occasion where I will say nothing.

              I gained a better understanding of what I thought made me "pretty."  The first time I looked in the mirror at my self with natural hair, I cried.  I was concerned more about how OTHER people would think I look than I was with how I felt i  looked.  This was a large part of my tears.

    I was not prepared for how verbal people could be about something so personal as how I choose to wear my hair.  I didn't find that people were that invested when I was perming or maybe perming was more the norm.

        I had to adjust to looking at myself in the mirror.  This was probably the most profound change.  I was no longer hiding under my hair.  I had to get by on bone structure and was no longer “the sista with the kinda long hair.” ( not my words.) I am not a big wearer of make-up but I did find that I selected different tones and colors—brighter around the eyes and more subdued on the lips.  This made me appear more natural.  At least, that’s what I heard.  

   So, here I am one year later and as you can see from the profile pic, it grows pretty fast.  So, if you are thinking about going natural, go for it.  I think so, and what?

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One Year And Counting...

"Waiting On The World To Change" or "Thanks for Sucking So Bad"

     So, Happy New Year.  Happy New You.  Unless, of course, you are already doing the same shit from last year. For the past two years, I have declared that "this is gonna be my year!!!!"--and wait for it...wait for it...NOTHING CHANGED.

     It was more anti-climactic than Y2K.  I was still at the same suck ass job, with the same crazy people who demand your respect but give little or none in return.  But, I was informed that I should or could not complain about my job, because I did in fact have one.  We don't tell people in abusive relationships to "Just be glad you have a partner.", so for me it was kinda the same thing.  Sorry, I digress.  Anyway, I realized the error of my ways.  I was singing the same song.  The same one he is singing.

    The reality is that waiting is the easier path.  I  decided to make some changes.  The reality is that my work experience has helped me realize that I need to work for myself.  Fucking scary.  I will have to cut the cord, and rise or fall on my own dime.  I am putting the steps in place and realizing a few things.

    The first thing is that the very reasons we cite for not doing something are the same reasons we should use to move forward.  For me, it was "how will I feed my kids?", "How will I do as a business owner?"  Well, I hope to find out about the second but if you know my crew, you also know that they last time they skipped food was the birthday cake at Methuselah's fifth birthday party.

     The second thing I learned was that just because people know you doesn't mean they are invested in you.  Some of your best friends have no interest in seeing you grow.  There are tough choices to make about with whom to share what.  Real talk.  I hope to look back on this at the end of the year and say "You Went Girl."

     I have my strategic plan, my mentor, my vision, my faith and a fistful of bills that tell me I can do this.  So, my suck ass job, is sucking a little less and has become the source of my strength.  I know that I can develop a model and show people how to change their organizations from OHHELLNO to THISISHOWWEDOIT.  So, Happy New Year to you and make sure that the ball that's dropping isn't yours.  Be on the bus or under it.  I think so, and what?