When You're A Better Man Than He Is...

    First, let me get a couple of things out of the way.  Shout out to every man who spends his day being responsible and doing guy shit.  This runs the gamut from opening doors to bringing groceries to his sick mama, to playing with his kids whether him and Old Girl are together or not.  Shout out to the men who have been kind and supportive and caring in my life.  Shout out to every strong woman I know whether you started that way or not.  With all of that out of the way, let’s get down to business.

    As a woman, I would like to believe that I know the value of having and being a good partner.  Since I am currently single an unmarried, you can make whatever inferences you like about the accuracy of my “knowing”.  That’s not the important point.  Growing up, parenting was sort of a family effort.  My dad was absent and my stepdad filled the boots for a long time.  When my mom became a single parent, I vowed that I would not have children unless I got married.  In my young mind this made perfect sense.  The reality of life is very different.

    I did get married.  I have two beautiful children as a result.  They bring me joy, happiness, love, heartache, migraines, and confoundedness—sometimes simultaneously.  I am also divorced from their dad. Being a single mom was a struggle that I was unprepared for.  As most single moms can tell you, you learn to suck it up and adjust quickly.  In some ways the adjustment is for the kids but in general it’s what is best for sanity’s sake.

   I believe that children need two parents to have the best chance at having a whole and healthy concept of family and what being a parent really entails.  The reality is that in this day and age of blended families and remarriage “parenting” can vary from moment-to-moment, day-to-day.  I have learned a lot along the road to seeing my children become adults.  All that aside, I think that happy parents raise well-adjusted kids.   Sometimes there is just no staying in a relationship at the time it is coming to an end.  Sometimes there is no good path forward.

    Let me pause here to say that there are plenty of men who have ended the relationship with their child’s other parent but maintain a constructive dialogue with that person and a good relationship with their child or children.  There are also women who use their children as bargaining chips and accessories to make a man’s life an utter hell.  If this is you, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!!

   Make no mistake though; I am honey badger serious about my kids.  There were several realizations that I had to come to quickly and others that single moms come to over time.   The most profound one is the title of this post.  Real talk.  Problem  is, I don’t want to be a better man than any man I know.  There is a part of many single moms that is pissed off that they had to learn anything about “manning up”.  I never expected to not be a provider and a nurturer but I never expected to be the SOLE provider and nurturer.  That was a curve ball.  I spent some time being upset and angry about this but these kids still needed to eat, live and bum lunch money and carfare.

    I remember the nights I spent at my daughter’s bedside when she was hospitalized and the nurse saying that I should go home and get some sleep and make her dad come and stay.  Yeah right.  That was when it was very clear that I am REALLY in this without him.   I think in some ways it made me closer to my sisters because we all counted on each other.  I remember the parade of family members and friends that came by as much to check on me as to see her.  I remember the Spanish, Jamaican, Chinese, Thai and home cooked food they bought with them.  I ate better that week than if I would have cooked at home every night.  I remember leaving work frantically when my son had an asthma attack in school and the nurse wanted no parts of it.

    Being a single mom has given me the courage to take strides.  When you are a single mom you develop a sense of fortitude—sort of like a “keep your head down and keep moving type of attitude.  It has also taught me the importance of  building a team--a team that's playing for the win.  

    As much as we can say about men who don't do what they are supposed to, we would be remiss if we didn't turn the mirror on ourselves.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Use it to learn the lesson and find the insight.  Apply the lesson to the future and think about how to improve your partnering skills.  Trust me when I tell you, your children learn very early that they have a "go to" parent and a "go home" parent.  Just make sure you come out on the right side.  I think so and what.