Transitioning And It Ain't Just For Hair

So, I've talked here about the fact that I am going natural and have started the transitioning process. The reality is that as I get into it, I am learnng and frankly--transitioning is not just for hair. I tried to post a video but the tech Gods would not allow it. As my "real hair grows so does my "real me." I am amazed at what people are willing to say to you about your hair. I guess I really shouldn't be though.



I am happy so far with my progress and I have found some really good products. So, your Sista is growing and so is her hair. I am looking at my life and I got to make some changes. In a good way. So I will keep you posted. Do something new everyday.



And The Journey Begins...

    After much thought and a lot of back and forth with the fearful part of my psyche, I have decided to go "natural".  My plan is to perm no more.  As I moved more and more towards this decision, I learned several things about myself. 

     As I surf the net, I have seen lots of sisters chronicling their road to natural.  I will probably do the same but in a more private way.  My focus today is more on the thought right now as I prep for the action.  I am upset with myself because I have waffled with this process for nearly six months.  Not a long time per se, but too long to go back to something that I probably never should have left.  Also a long time if you consider the fact that most human hair grows roughly a 1/2 inch per month.  I would have been 3 inches in already.  I've learned some things about myself that I have found disconcerting. I am going to go through some of them in the paragraphs below. 

    I consider myself a relatively decisive person.  I will think it through but generally once I am in or out that's it.  Absolutely not the case with the plan to go natural.  I stalled for what I consider a long time.  The reality is that I waffled for six months, citing various things to myself.  I said:  I needed more info, would wait to see if I had to job hunt, needed more money.  The list goes on.  The reality is, at the root of all this was insecurity.  Each time I said one of those things to myself, the underlying issue was--"what will other people think of me?"  This brings me into my next "things-I-learned-about-me".

    There really is a part of me that cares what other people think.  At least in terms of appearance.  Frankly, I am a little too "mature" for this.  I am a grown ass woman so I have no idea why I would give a shit if he/she/it/they/them like my hair.  Then it hit me:  Oh yeah, I am single.  The reality is that new me is going to be better than old me because it ain't just about my hair.  Kick rocks if you're not down with that.  Who wouldn't want someone to be and do better?

     I am excited and scared as hell at the same time.  Honestly, I don't even remember my "real hair" other than the fact that I was tender headed alot alot.  This will be an adventure and a chance for growth--no pun intended.  I am writing more to and for myself than anyone else.  The reality is that I will have to look back here when it's time to head out for some social function that requires fly hair and I am not sure if I fit the bill.  So, bolstered by my "Cuzzins' Day" chat with the girls and a reclaimed sense of self--I'M GOING IN...

    As for the photos and the YouTube videos I may do that when it grows out a little.  I have opted against what it lovingly known as "The Big Chop" which is not a reference to pork but what many women do when they decide to go natural.

   So, the pic you see will change every month as my process evolves.  Thank you and shoutout to all the sisters that are in the process, have gone through the process, will go through the process and even the ones who think that kinky hair is only for the Motherland.  Equally, props to mi amiga Dominicana Kayka who kept me fabulous for ten years.  I have to tell her that she is the side chick now  Wish me well.  Love.  Peace. and SOOOOOUUUULLLLLLL!!!!!!

Road Tripping or "Things We Do For These Damn Kids"

     So, imagine the pride I felt when my child was accepted to all the schools she applied to, it was magical.  She was excited and I was proud beyond the boundaries of pride.  I was proud that she got accepted to the places that she selected but I was even more of the meticulous process she went through in search of the right collegiate fit.  I watched her identify things about herself.  She wanted a smaller school.  She did not want to be in a big city.  Must be coed and socially diverse and so on the list went.  The most important thing about any selected school?  MUST HAVE HORSES.  She then declared that she had found her school.  A beautiful school, nestled in a town that would rival any Rockwell painting or Currier and Ives tin.  A mere four hour drive.  Not around the corner but manageable and doable by all accounts.  There was a school that she applied to, mainly because they invited her to apply.  She felt like "why not?" AND GUESS WHAT????  She gets in, they invite her to visit, she does and my four hours turns into 10. 

     So, as the time got closer she began her college countdown, and I began my dread.  Ten hours away the first time you go away???  Who does that?  I guess the answer is well adjusted kids with supportive parents.  So fast forward to road trip day.  Six hundred miles of driving not counting the pitstop in Queens to fetch Gramma.  The trip down is uneventful and to be perfectly honest--positively beautiful. Shout out to the entire state of West Virginia for the 70mph speed limit.   We had breakfast at Denny's and I watched the road while my passengers comtemplated the insides of their eyelids.  Somewhere around Roanoke the gravity of the day hit me.  I have packed up my daughter, her belongings and an overnight bag and I will be leaving two of the three in another state.  WOW.  I have reached the day that parents long for.  All I can think of is how long and lonely the ride back is going to be.

     I guess bringing the preschooler along was a good idea after all.  We reach our destination and the crowd goes wild.  I go to the bathroom because this is where I need a moment.  As a mother, you long for the time when your child completes their education and heads off to college--and then it arrives. All this preparation, goal setting, tending the crops and it comes to one instant.  It wasn't until we unpacked the car at the hotel that it hit me.  This is the moment of her life--and the turning point of mine.  My momming is just extra now not essential.  She is on the road to her own experiences and in a way I am on the road to mine.

    I won't even get into the feeling of being turned inside out for cash and needing to find every document ever printed pertaining to this child from birth to present day.  I won't even get into the little moments of my mother asking 50 questions, the body wash theft or other such memorable moments.  She is settled in and I am unsettled.  It's the Newton's Principle--for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  I am going to settle in and start the process all over.

   It's a beautiful time for all of us.  I think so and what?

In Search of Sisterhood

    Women have often been the biggest contributors and the biggest detractors of other women since the birth of this planet.  I don't know of any woman that hasn't experienced this on a personal level.  As a woman, I have the unique experience of being profoundly sad and joyfully happy as I look at the relationships between the women around me, and the interpersonal relationships I live in.  Some of the most supportive relationships I have are with women.  Some of the most difficult relationships I have are with women. Researchers have studied interpersonal relationships between women at least since the Bible.  The story of Ruth and Boaz is perhaps the first chronicling of a friendship between women.

    For my part, I haven't done enough.  I have enjoyed many positive relationships on a personal and professional level and i have grown immensely.  I have a mentor but I am profoundly falling short in the mentoring department.  I am working on being my best me and that is definitely on the list.  So all that being said, what's the why? I think the reality is that each woman interacts with the world based on how she interprets it and how she has lived in and through it in the past.

    One of the most profound and problematic things for me is workplace behavior.  Women are allowed to interact with each other in a way that would immediately be considered inappropriate if it were a male to male or a male to female interaction. I have never had a male boss tell me that "it's not his fault that I have kids" or remind me that I have a uterus. These interactions are generally looked upon by male bosses as "girls being girls."  Most workplace complaints regarding harrassment are made by women against other women.  Women often feel that sharing gender is somehow a buffer against inappropriateness.  Women are often tougher on other women.

    In order to move to sisterhood I think that there are several things that need to happen.  I will outline them, not in any particular order and not as an authority on the subject. Before I go on I need to give a shoutout to EC for putting me through so much that I had no choice but to search of an inner power or be a felon.  Big up, wha gwan?  Just consider this a wishlist.

1.  Women need to delete the word "bitch" from the portion of their vocbulary they use to describe other women.  The "B" serves no purpose other than to be inflammatory or derogatory.  I have been called that one more than one occasion and trust me, it hurt a lot more coming from a woman.  If you like it, your entitled but it's not for me.

2.  Sisters need to declare a moratorium on dating men that are in relationships with other women.  Aside from the obvious, what does it say to men that we can't respect each other enough to say no and mean it?  Why would you want to start a relationship with a foundation of mistrust and secrets?  The negative karma associated with this is epic.  For the flip side, I have told women about their men and believe me the messenger always takes the bullet.  I will take the hit each time because I did my part.


3.   Women should pledge to find a mentor and mentor someone else.  We need to reach outside of our immediate circle and consider taking some guidance and guiding someone that we normally wouldn't come in contact with.


4.  Be supportive of other women professionally regardless of your feelings for them personally.  Jim and Bob may hate each other but they will each put aside their feelings to further a project or reach a goal. 


5.  Grow professionally, personally, spritually, intellectually and morally.  Be better than the person casting stones or spewing ugliness.  Operate in a manner that leaves you in a position of peace and without regret.

    Well, there you have it.  This is my reminder to myself and a potential roadmap  for anyone that is interested in joining me on the journey.  Please come along, I could use the company.

The "Salon" Experience

    OK.  So we all have idiosyncrasies. I am a hair fanatic.  As I shared in a previous post "Hair I Go", I have two hairdressers.  You can go back and read that for the why and the what.  I had decided that since Mother Nature was thugging us with the heat this summer, I would get a haircut.  Now my city hairdresser, is not really a cutter beyond clipping ends.  That's cool by me though. 

    I have this fabulous new store not far from where I live.  It's called ULTA.  I don't know if you're into girly stuff like I am--but if you are--it's like a pamper yourself supermarket.  Everything hair, makeup and body you could imagine from lipstick to soy candles to Hair dryers.  In this little slice of makeup Utopia--what else could you call a place that has 5000 shades of lipstick--they have...drumroll please...a HAIR SALON.  Like right there inside.  So, coupon in hand, I rang them up while thinking how to ask whether or not they knew how to work with hair like mine.  Like a flash of lightning it came to me.  " 'Hi, I wanted to find out if you guys do ethnic hair?' " " 'Absolutely miss, would you like an appointment?' "  So,  with coupon in hand I went. 

   I don't know if I could be more in like with an experience.  I arrived for my "appointment".  I was offered water, tea, iced tea, coffee and SCONES.  Really? Scones?  I had an orange one.  As I began my salon service. I was asked what kind of cut I wanted and if I had a picture or did I need to use the computer library.  Impressive.  I showed her the picture and when she said how much hair she had to take off I decided to take the blunt cut bob on the wall.  Kacie was my "couture stylist."  She gave me a free tea tree treatment and proceeded to cut my hair like she was Edward Scissorhands.  She talked about how she loved her work and I believe her.  MY SHIT LOOKED GOOD.  Shout out to my new hairgirl Kacie. 

    I'm gonna teach her how to put in a black girl perm and we are gonna be best buds.  She said that she gets blowouts and flatirons from the Dominicans that I go--they are the only ones that can get her hair straight.  So shout out to Kacie I will see you next pay "girlfren".

Are You Being The Partner You Want?

     I am always fascinated by what happens when women get together and the topic turns to men.  A group of sisters who are educated, motivated, intellectual and intelligent that for the most part are single. This has been discussed often and rancorously.  If you ask any woman about men she will have a history--via--personal experience about what is wrong with men.  She will also likely pine for another opportunity with someone knowing what she knows now.  The reality is, most of us can relate to this.

    There is a verse in the Bible that says: " To whom much is given, much is required.  So shall it be."  While this is not typically a verse used to characterize relationships, it somehow seems fitting.  As sisters, many of us have a laundry list of qualities we want in a potential partner.  I used to have one.  Given my current situation and life, I don't believe in absolutes any longer.  I think that "THE ONE" exists for everybody.  No person is perfect, more importantly we are not perfect in ourselves.  What right would I have to demand a perfect partner?  Or a perfect relationship?

    This is the point where Christians would say that true love is designed by God and if you live a life of faith and obedience to God this magical love will be provided to you.  That may be true, but since people are full of imperfections they would only mess it up.  Yep, me included. 

     On any given day, how many of the qualities you demand in a partner do you demand in yourself?  Are you consistent in the giving, demonstration and tolerance that signify love of the magnitude you want?  How IN LOVE are you with yourself?  Can you pass the "Naked In Front Of the Mirror" test?  What about the "Hold A Mirror to Your Soul" test?  We need to look inside and clear out clutter, ugliness and the pain of past relationships to be the lover that deserves the perfect love.  The test is simple.  After you strip all the layers away, would you want to spend the rest of your life with you?  Think on it.

The Kardashian Effect

     So, I freely and shamelessly admit that I have been ensnared by the beast of reality TV.  Can I also say that it wasn't completely my fault?  I overheard some teenage girls talking about "Keeping Up With The Kardashians.  I decided to watch it.  It was the beginning of my descent into the junk TV abyss.  I watched for research. 

     So, I've been right there with Khloe, Kim and Kourtney through the joy and pain.  Let me preface by saying this:  as women we all make choices  and many of them wouldn't necessarily survive dissection.  OK.  Here I go.  So, three rich sisters have the same issues as regular me.  After watching the show a few times I was sad for them on some level and worried for the younger women who watch the reality drama unfold.  For many young people the belief is that money somehow has the ability to make the world more right.

    Kourtney is saddled with a less than stellar partner who is now her babydaddy.  My fear is that thid provides reinforcement for the young sisters watching.   The fact of the matter is that as women we need to model positive behaviors for our sisters.  Now, of course, so would argue that she is modeling the importance of maintaining the family unit.  That's fine but riddle me this:  if it takes a man amd a woman to make a baby why wouldn't it take the same two people to make a family? 

     Khloe seems to have fared a little better than her sister.  The reality is, everyone you encounter and everything you do today places its footprint on a tomorrow--be it yours on someone else's.  I think so...and what.

Side Chicks

   



 Let me preface this piece by saying that it isn't aimed at anyone in particular.  Let me go on to say that it is judgement free.  If you are currently, or have ever been the "side chick" and your situation is different then cool--rock the hell on.  If however, some of this rings true for you then give it the next layer of thought.  At any rate, here a Sista goes.

     In school I was always taught that you need to "define your terms."  This is true on so many levels and so many ways but that is another post.  For the purposes of this particular piece, a "side chick" is basically any woman who knowingly consents to a relationship with a man that is already in a relationship with another woman. That being said, let me pause here to say that there are a billion ways that these relationships jump off. That's a discussion for another place and space.  "Side chick"-ing requires the consent of at least two of the parties involved.  The reality is that in this day and time, it frequently involves the consent of everyone involved. 


       Now, I have come to some personal conclusions and realizations about myself as I gave this some thought.  I will share them in a piece of their own.  The media, the hood and life experience put us on a path to believing that "all the single black men are gone"--or with Caucasian women.  The reality is that if we are open to love, trust, honesty and non-judgment based on love and the potential for it--then he is out there.  Many of us buy this hook, line and sinker and our Brothers LOVE it AND reap the benefits of desperation.  Why shouldn't they?  Men are--by their very nature--hunters.  No hunter is going to pass up willing prey unless he is satisfied with what he has stored or is no longer interested in the hunt.  Yup.  I said it. 


     It appears to me that sidechicking is hard work.  It also appears unfulfilling.  But I'm on the outside looking in so I don't know for sure.  I would guess that you have to spend a lot of time hoping.  He needs to be able to get away from work, his actual woman, and whatever obligations he has in order to be with you.  Now the argument I hear the most is "well, there are no strings attached" and "it works for me".  Does it really?  Then cool.  As an outsider looking in it appears that the side chick isn't very high in the pecking order.  It also appears that many of them are totally OK with that.  I mean it's nothing wrong with shopping at three different stores to get all the things you need.  I would just wonder if it's worth the trip?  For the man's part in all of this--he should go into sales.  This is Marketing 101.  Get a customer, the side chick, to believe they need your "product".  Cost and availability are never considered or an issue.  A man is able to convince one or more women that being with him when he is available is better than being alone or even being with a partner that they have.  This is impressive.  The only more impressive feat in my eyes is pimping.  She sells her ass and gives him the money.  But believe me they run neck and neck.


     I'm selfish about partners.  I share so much other stuff with the world I have no interst in sharing my boo.  Side chick would point out that I'm single and not getting any--but probably so is she.  I get to skip fights about not being claimed, and the disappointment of Valentines' Day on February 17 or February 11.  Family holidays are generally spent with the family, and usually that's not the sidechick.  I guess I feel that the side chick is selling herself short.  But hey, you can't want more for people than they want for themselves.

     In life, you never really know what truly drives the choices that sisters make about men and relationships.  If you pressed, there are probably some women that could not explain the logic to the choices that they have made.  This isn't good or bad it just is.  So, to the side chicks:  No hate.  You've made choices that work for you in the moment.  Make new ones if the situation changes.  I think so...and what?

How WE Raise Our Sons

     As a single mom one of the hardest things I had to do was raise a son.  Times two.  As a woman, I think about men and their role in some of my struggles.  Shortly after that, I remind myself that I made choices and if they were the best choices given the information I had, then I did my best.  I digress.  Being a single mom was tough and raising male children was even tougher.  Keep your fingers crossed because I am still in the struggle.

     Everyday I hear or see a man say something that forces me to say " 'Where is or does he have a momma?' "  My next thought is the hope that no one will say that about either of my boys.  The reality is that very often--right or wrong--moms bear the brunt of the blame when kids go bad.  They also get the look, when that grown ass man acts like he is 16.  Now, make no mistake there are clear instances of right and wrong.  If your 40 year-old lives in your basement and you do his laundry or help with the car note then you're wrong.   I guess it's a generalization but so be it. 

    I freely admit that as the mother of an adult son I sometimes think that he could make better decisions.  However, on the whole I think he's doing OK.  I often wonder how many moms are aghast at their child's behavior?  I also wonder how many of the smooth-talking player type, the lay on your couch type, and the whip your ass type dudes became that because of, with the blessing of, or in spite of a loving parent?  No one grows in a vacuum.  We all become, to some extent, what we experience.  We also test limits, whether age 2 or 22 and learn based on the result.

    There are a lot of things to think about when it comes to parenting.  When you're a woman and raising males that creates an extra layer.  On top of that, add your own personal experiences with men to ice the cake and it makes for a growth process for everyone involved.  I don't make any judgments about the mothers of the men I've dated but I ain't gonna lie--I got real questions for some of you.  I think so...and what?

Hair I Go

     So, some sisters go natural and spend hundreds of dollars with the loc-tician.  I freely admit that although enlightened I continue to perm.  At some point, I will leave the chemicals behind but for now I am an "8-weeker."  That's how often I perm.  So, generally because it isn't cost prohibitive, I look up my "hermanas Dominicanas" (Dominican sistas) for wash and sets on a weekly basis.  Now, I freely admit that I don't expect lattes and wine for my $20 haircare experience but I'm saying--there should be some basic things.  My biggest complaint about my regular hairspot is that when you walk you will think that you are in the plaza in D.R.  Loud music, loud women, ringing cellphones, sistas on them talking about confronting the side chick, dudes running through to see if "she-where-she-said-she-was" type things.

     That being said, the convenience and the skills of my hair person outweigh the drama, so I suck it up and go once a week.  My senses are assaulted but my hair is fabulous.  So since my hair place is in the city and I'm not, I have a back up place that I use.  The contrast is night and day.  The place is beautifully decorated someone greets me at the door AND it's always swept and mopped.  So, what's the problem?  Well, let's start with they are 10-6.  I am a get in-get out person.  I could be finished at 10:00 in the regular spot because they open at 8, 7:30 if you work it out with your hairgirl. 

     I am also bothered by what appears to be a lack of reinvestment strategy in both places.  Cityspot has 8 hairdressers, two shampoo girls, 16 dryers and two sinks.  Poor design to start with but hey.  Countryspot has 4 sinks, 5 hairdressers, a roller girl and 10 dryers.  So, at cityspot, assuming that nobody is there to perm, and every dryer is full they are making $240 every hour.  Countryspot charges more and has faster dryers so they are making slightly more.  So, why oooh why does the toilet tank look like this?  Ladies, reinvest your profits.  I think so...and what?

Chronicles Of A Sista

So today, I am bringing you the first installment of "Chronicles of a Sista." It will be a weekly installment of how I--a sister--react, relate or deal with one of those things that goes with being a sista. Now, let me just add a disclaimer: I WILL NOT BE HOLDING MY TONGUE. For the most part I plan to discuss things that impact me but may have meaning to others, male or female, that can relate to it. So, the inaugural topic for Chronicles of a Sista?

BABYMOMMAS  

     So, I believe it bears mentioning that I am a "Babymomma" and an ex-wife and I'm cool with being both.  Now, the "Babymomma" has been the subject of numerous songs, venomous rants, get back pleas, love and hate.  So, as best I can tell, the term originated in Caribbean community to characterize the relationship between two people who no longer shared a relatonship but do share a child or children.  There are several connotations--that go with the usage of the term.  Some conjure up disdain, some conjure up sadness. 

     The term crossed over into pop culture, most likely with the reference to Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise as they used it to reference their relationship even though they were together.  I guess everything will end up crossing over sooner or later. 

    So, who is she?  She can be your biggest ally or your worst foe--depending largely on how well she has worked through her own shit.  Babymomma is often misunderstood but sometimes deservedly so.  There will be many more detailed musings about Babymomma and her counterpart, Babydaddy.

     In the meantime, welcome and please check back regularly--you never know what you will find in the "Chronicles of a Sista."